i catch falling stars

so

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 07:22:03 GMT

i need a job. bad. i think im going to try to find a job tomorrow. hopefully. at least i could pick up a couple applications.

so. i have decided that i have the best friends that i will ever need. and i plan on keeping them around for the rest of my life. i'm going to go over to summi's this weekend and spend the night. hopefully alex will be able to join us. it'll be awesome and im really excited.
i miss matt. and mike. i need to hang out with both of them. and soon.
i am so proud of matt. he will always be my best friend for as long as i live. he read my journal entry and promised me that he wouldnever cut again in his life. i just about cried when he told me. i swear i love that kid. it made me feel really important.

sooo theres this kid. and i think i kind of like him.but i dont know. hes cute. kind of. and funny. kind of. i dont know. i am pretty sure he doesnt like me. but meh. i dont know. im trying...i dont know if he notices the efforts. oh well. updates on that later.

but i have no idea where i was going with this entry. so im stopping it.
i love you all.
<3

Tue, 24 Jan 2006 06:31:39 GMT

i have the best friends in the fucking world. i love them all so much.

so. i dont have very much to say. i thought i did but i didnt. formal was awesome. shit hit the fan. it was weird. and lame. as amazing of a night as it was, i ended up getting hurt really bad by a couple of people. but whatever. i'll write more about it if i feel so inclined. which i probably wont.

i love you

Wed, 30 Nov 2005 05:06:06 GMT

i've been thinking alot lately. and i honestly dont think that i can ever get over what happened. i'm very sad about it. like i catch myself still writing about him alot, and i'm not really sure that its what i want to think about. like. i dont know. i just know that i cant ever get over the fact that i love him. and then i'm reminded why i hate him so much. i just cant understand how anyone can have emotions like that. i dont even understand it. but i think im chosing not to.

so. theres this super nice kid, nic. and, i dont know. i guess he goes to school with steve, who works with roberta. and steve is a nice kid, too. but, anyways. hes really nice to me. hes going to buy daphne loves derby tickets for him and me to go see them in january. i cant even explain how that makes me feel. but, i almost feel like i shouldnt accept it, you know? because..i dont really know him all that well, but. i do? i dont know. its hard to explain. its really nice of him..and it makes me a little wary because i'm not used to it. but maybe i should get used to it. i just dont like accept things like that. it makes me feel bad. i dont really like people buying me stuff. its weird. i dont know, though. i like talking to him though. hes just not really my type, i dont think. like. hes kind of a jock, i think. hes plays football. and he gets really excited about it. and thats cool, you know. but. just not usually the type of guy i go for. iii dont know. i'm not ruling anything out. just...thoughts. i dont know for sure though.

so i'm really sad about matty. i havent talked to him since halloween. this time last year we were best friends. but..i just dont think that we are anymore. like. i dont know. ever since lilly came back around its been harder for me to be their friend. it hurts alot. i miss matt so much. like, if nothing else. i'm kind of used to girls not really being my friend like that. but i really was close to matt. i miss him. i cant even explain how much. like. how can you be best friends if you never try to contact them? like i try to call mattys house whenever i can. but...he doesnt call at all. i just feel like we're not friends at all anymore. like...he deleted his myspace. and the only people left on there, i guess, is mike, sarah, and ariana. and everytime i think about it i want to cry. i dont know. im pissed off about it. like...theres alot about matt that made me sad. like the fact that i stopped smoking pot because he doesnt like drugs. but the only reason he stopped cutting was because of ariana. like...everytime him and ariana have a fight hed talk to me about how if they broke up he'd go back into his old ways. i dont know. how the crap was that supposed to make me feel? just...yuck. i really just feel like im not good enough to be worth their time. im really really hurt by it...and i miss having my best friend. alot. and i wont tell him because im too nice. and i dont want him to feel bad. i just wish i was good enough for him to think of me as a friend for life. but...i'm obviously not. so..maybe i should just forget about it. its never going to do me any good, now.

i'm sad now. so im going to stop writing.
♥april

nothing comes as easy as you

Thu, 18 Aug 2005 06:36:34 GMT

so. today kind of sucked. i woke up late, went to physical therapy. and got home at 11. straightened my hair, and it wasnt very obiedient. i had to freak out because i couldnt find my outfit or anything i wanted to wear for pictures, my makeup looked like crap, and my hair made me look like a whore. so i left anyway. i was ready to just cry. so in the car mom asked me if i could enroll another day, i called my school and they said i could. so we just went to get a bunch of junk food. i tried to call tyler because i wanted to just have someone talk to me and be nice. he didnt answer. so i gave up and went to get some things i needed. went around and got it and while i was walking around tyler texted me. i was a little angry cuz he didnt answer and he was still texting me? but i got over it and whatnot. then i checked out and we drove home. tyler called me and we talked for a little bit. i vented to him. then i started talking to mom about givin gme more freedom. she said ask dad. meh. then i got ready for work. went to work. it was good. i actually did stuff. i cleaned for about...4 hours. my hands hurt from the soap. it was nice being away from the front end though. i got off at ten and waited for my ride to get there.

well. im over the initial shock of being called pretty names. im not so giggly anymore from it. so i wasnt walking around all day thinking of tyler. it was a good thing, i think. i thought of him a little bit. i caught myself looking for him in the store. and day dreaming that he would come just to give me a hug. i think its healthy though. so its all good. im hoping he calls me tonight, though. i dont know. i have to go to school in the morning. i dont work, thankfully. i had better look pretty. or i will be very upset. its going to be nice going back to school.

i hope that tomorrow is a good day.

i want a boy who's so drunk he doesnt talk

Wed, 17 Aug 2005 05:38:39 GMT

so this morning i woke up with roberta. after staying up late and talking on the phone with tyler. being giggly. i got on the computer after berta left and talked with ben for a little bit. it was neat. then i went with mom to get some things. we went to pearl, it wasnt open yet, so we went to coco's to get some meat for her store. then we went back to pearl, got what we needed and checked out. drove all the way to fountain valley to get my permit fax and drop off the stuff. we did that, went to my work got the permit signed. and then drove out to tustin. yay tustin. got all my stuff, figured out when i needed to be there tomorrow. went to get some food and then was home by noon. well i figured out i gotta had to go to work by 2 today, so i got pretty and dressed and left. was way early. talked to de and ben from work, then started my shift. it was boring beyond belief. so i've been thinking about tyler all day. and hes so adorable. i didnt really know exactly what time i got off, so i decided to just call tyler after i did. i got off at 8, thinking it was supposed to be 9. so i called tyler at 8, and we talked for about 20 minutes when i started telling him how cold it was for me outside. and he asked if i was waiting for a ride and i told him i hadnt called anyone yet. so he came and picked me up from work and took me home. well. we started driving and we got to where he was sposed to turn onto my street and he said it was bull because he just picked me up and he already had to leave me. so he kept driving. it was a little scarey. but it was just for fun. he turned down the next street and went around the block. he's really super awesome. we sat in his car for a little bit and talked. ima tell mom about him and stuff. i really just..want to date him. so eventually i told him to just hug me. and he did and i told him it was a pathetic little hug and i wanted a real one. so we got out of the car and i gave him a big hug and i still wasnt satisfied so i told him that i was gonna show him a real hug and i put my arms out and he squeezed me tight and held me close and i loved it and i just...loved it. i didnt want to let go. he told me that i just fit right where i'm supposed to. but i think he might be a little shy of me. just a little. at least when it comes to contact. i gotta tell that boy to not talk so much when i see him n just to enjoy what is going on. i mean, the conversation is wonderful. but, sometimes you just need to be silent and cute. because he always talks about cuddling and stuff but he never really does. i've only seen him a couple times, but thats fine. i really just need...close contact. i'm gonna try to make him compromise with me. we can talk while hugging. haha. i feel so ridiculous. well then he left and i was kind of sad. so i came upstairs and told dad my co-worker gave me a ride home. then erin walked up with nani in a towel soaking wet. she gave her a bath. so shes all clean. i had to rinse her off a little. so i did. then i dried her off a little and let her be. shes been licking herself clean. hes pretty cute. so now im stuck here thinking of tyler n wishing he would just be here. or i could just be there. there would be nice.

i'm not sure what to do.

♥april

rawr

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 16:25:44 GMT

he's so damn sweet. it's really disgusting. i wish i could just see him. this is all so pathetic.

he says things like "stay pretty" and "i guess you'll just have to move in". my favourite is "then there's option two, where we run away to france. i like that one the best, it solves all my problems". oh man. lately i've been freaking giggly like a little girl. i like it though. he's really sweet. keeps me smiling all day. thats a pretty big feat, kids. he's so straight to the point. i want him to come over so i can hug him and squeeze him n hold him close. this is so pathetic. heh. but. i dont know.

yesterday i went to physical therapy. then i went to guitar center with dad. i played a bunch of guitars, n found one i really liked. so i put it on lay away. it only took me for ever and a freaking half to find it. then the one on the floor was damaged. so nyroh had to find one in the back. i'll take pictures of it and put them up here. it'll be fantastic. i'm excited. i can't wait to get my new guitar and play until my heart is content. then roberta came over. we walked up and got our hair cuts. i look like a rockstar again. it's pretty exciting. then we went to the store and got gatorade, french bread, and coach carter. then we walked home. we hung out for a while, went over to kelly's house to drop some stuff off. she wasnt there but we had fun with her parents. haha. i love them so much. they have got to be my second family. then we realized it was about 9 pm so we came home to watch coach carter and eat ice cream. so we did that. coach carter lasted for a few hours. i really liked it. i thought it was a damn good movie. and i even cried at the touching parts. after that was done, i talked to roberta for about an hour before she was passing out, so i called tyler. we talked about his day and mine. he's so adorable. i always feel bad because i dont have alot of time to spend with him. even though i'd rather spend all my time with him, it's difficult being 16. i really like him a whole lot. he always makes me giggly and girly. i stayed up thinking of him, too. it's silly.

well. i'm going to go to school. <3

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 22:17:04 GMT

i cant get him out of my head.

how retarded am i?

well today has been good so far. i went to physical therapy, got taped up. then me and dad went over to check out guitar center. dad was looking at some keyboards, and i went over to the acoustic guitar room. like i always do. played a bunch of guitars. found one i really really liked. over all of the other ones. so, i put it on lay away. in about two weeks or more, i'm going to have it. <3.

yuck

Mon, 15 Aug 2005 01:31:23 GMT

it's frustrating being treated like i'm an ignorant child. i'm really tired of having to live around the people i do. i love them, but its still hard. i'm tired of the power trips, fits, and all of this inablity to control my own life. it's frustrating not being able to leave when i need to/want to. i'm tired of it. i need that control of my own life. i know i only have 2 [less than] more years to be this ignorant kid, but i've never been the ignorant kid. it's so amazingly aggravating. rawr.

i wish i could complain to someone. i think its even worse that i don't have anyone to complain to when i need to. like..now. i wish i could just have someone pick me up and drive off with me. at least for a couple hours.

i think that would be nice.

Sun, 14 Aug 2005 22:53:44 GMT

i think you're absolutely beautiful...<3

i finally hung out with the boy who came up to me at work. he's 21. ;x! he's so nice, though. i'm still wary. but..he's soft and comfortable. mom and dad didn't know thats what we did. but it's all right. as the day went on i got more comfortable with him around and i wasnt so stand offish. im all in a tizzy. i feel completely blushy and everything. he was saying that we'll fly to france. haha. he's funny. his name is tyler. i havent had a lot of luck with tylers. so im even more wary. but..yes. he was saying that he wants to hang out with me, saying that i'm the coolest girl hes met in orange county. i hope he sticks around. he's just...adorable. he's not a drug lord! or a boozer. how exciting. he calls me gorgeous. i almost started blushing when we were talking about how he would go anywhere with me. rofl. its funny. i hardly know him. but he's really nice. which i think is why i'm so... keep back. but still in an april like way. it's neat. i dont know how else to explain it. he wants to take me into the vault. which is a venue here. i think it might be 18+, but he said he would sneak me in backstage. rofl. i could go see tsol! oh oh <3. i feel so girly. i got all pretty so i could hang out with him. not that i really cared. he came up to me at work, when my hair was a mess, my makeup was gone, and i was dirty from cleaning the store, and said that i took his breath away. so i always call him "you take my breath away". i dont know. he's really nice...

i feel like such a girl talking like this..so i'm done.